genericwhore’s blog

it's early morning and somehow i am drunk off of three different kinds of lemon.

so sue me.

god damn - i feel like such an asshole.

and mostly that about covers it.

i try really hard most of the time not to be bitter.  but sometimes the bitterness wins.  especially when i think about how easy it would be for me to do certain things (and for us to do things together) if it weren't for the fact that i'm supporting both of us.  it's hard for me to imagine how different things would be if it was equal (right now) between us.  i'm happy that he's here and i wouldn't change it for anything, but i think i'm allowed to be bitter every once in a while.

apparently, this year my dad turns 50.  half a century.  it seems like an insane thing to me, for someone to be alive for that long.  though i do know people who are older than that, for some reason my dad is forever about 30 in my mind.  always 30.  but apparently, this year, he turned 50.  i'm fairly sure that his birthday was yesterday.  the 14th seems to be a date i remember for no particular reason.  it could be tomorrow, i'm not sure.  either way, yesterday, i thought of him.  i tried to remember anything about him.  i remember him being short.  so he must really be quite short because if i remember him being short even when i was 9 years old then he must really be short.  everything looks bigger when you're young than it actually is, or at least that is what people always tell you.  and if he seemed little to be then, then i've concluded he must be short.  i wonder if he's put on weight.  i can't imagine him being any different than he was the last time i saw him - and i can't even remember when that was.  was i...12?  was it 13 years ago?  was Shane already born?  does that mean i was 15?  i have no idea.  but he's 50 and it makes me wonder what he thinks of his life and the decisions he made.  would he argue that he had no decision to make and that it was forced upon him to lose contact with his two eldest children?  i say eldest because i imagine he has had more, though i have no reason to believe this.  i would think that his parent would tell Ashley and i if he had more kids, but when we do talk to them, they never bring him up.  is he dead?  or is he 50?

sometimes i think...or know, that i try too hard at some things.  and then not hard enough at others.  the things i try too hard at are always the ones that get me hurt, in the long run.  all of the effort ends up wasted and i end up sad.

if only i knew how to prioritize.

i feel emotionally congested.  something is going to happen soon, i can tell.

i fell asleep at 9:30 and woke up just after 11pm.  this doesn't bode well for my actual sleep tonight.

oops.

this morning i woke up with a stuffed up nose. 

i don't think i've been sick in a couple of years, the times might be changing.

over and out.

my friend Lisa's mom passed away four hours ago.  i'm so sad for her, but i just talked to her on the phone and she is such a strong lady and is holding up so very well.  people from work are going to be staying at her house for the next while, i think we're all taking shifts and stuff.  i'm not sure when i'm going to go to her house but for sure in the next few days.

over and out.

i knit two scarves this weekend.

i *might* be knitted out.

for now.

over and out.